YOU’RE NOT LISTENING
What You’re Missing and Why it Matters
Who listens to you?
New York Times contributor Kate Murphy asked people on five continents this question, and the response was typically a long, awkward pause. People struggled to come up with someone, anyone, who truly listened to them without glazing over, glancing down at a phone, or jumping in to offer an opinion. Many admitted that they, themselves, weren’t very good listeners, and most couldn’t even describe what it meant to be a good listener.
Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how.
Who listens to you?
New York Times contributor Kate Murphy asked people on five continents this question, and the response was typically a long, awkward pause. People struggled to come up with someone, anyone, who truly listened to them without glazing over, glancing down at a phone, or jumping in to offer an opinion. Many admitted that they, themselves, weren’t very good listeners, and most couldn’t even describe what it meant to be a good listener.
Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how. And it’s making us lonelier, more isolated, and less tolerant than ever before. A listener by trade, Murphy wanted to know how we got here.
In this illuminating and often humorous deep dive, Murphy explains why we’re not listening, what it’s doing to us, and how we can reverse the trend. She makes accessible the psychology, neuroscience, and sociology of listening while also introducing us to some of the best listeners out there (including a CIA agent, focus-group moderator, bartender, radio producer, and top furniture salesman).
While listening is often regarded as talking’s meek counterpart, Murphy discovered it’s actually the more powerful position in communication. We learn when we listen. It’s how we connect, cooperate, empathize, and fall in love. Listening is something we do or don’t do every day. While we might take listening for granted, how well we listen, to whom, and under what circumstances determines who we are and the paths we take in life.
Equal parts cultural observation, scientific exploration, and rousing call to action that’s full of practical advice, You’re Not Listening is to listening what Susan Cain’s Quiet was to introversion. It’s time to stop talking and start listening.
- Celadon Books
- Hardcover
- January 2020
- 288 Pages
- 9781250297198
Buy the Book
$26.00
About Kate Murphy
Kate Murphy is a Houston, TX-based journalist whose writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Economist, Agence France-Presse, and Texas Monthly.
Praise
“You’re Not Listening is an essential book for our times. How well we listen determines how we love, learn, and connect with one another, and in this moment when we need to hear and be heard more than ever, this thought-provoking and engaging book shows us how.” -Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
“I was instantly hooked by Kate Murphy’s simple but profound argument–that although listening is the foundation of communication, innovation, growth, and love, few of us really know how to do it properly, or where to even start. You’re Not Listening is a captivating and enlightening book that provides readers with a road map on how to listen and why it is so important to how we connect, work, and live.” -Kim Scott, New York Times bestselling author of Radical Candor
“In an age when technology has made it easier than ever before to talk with each other, we’ve paradoxically become worse at listening. Fortunately, we have Kate Murphy to teach us how to reclaim this crucial skill. This book changed the way I think about communicating with the people who matter to me.” -Cal Newport, New York Times bestselling author of Deep Work and Digital Minimalism
“With concrete advice and a wealth of guidelines, readers will come away with tips for a better approach, one that can be exceptionally useful, whether in the boardroom or at home. In an era dominated by incessant broadcasting and attention-seeking behavior on social media, listening offers both a salve and a solution.” –Booklist
“From communication researchers to general audiences, this informative and well-documented book will prod readers to reexamine the way they listen to others, individually and collectively, and to consider the many negative repercussions of not doing so.” -Library Journal
Discussion Questions
1. Has reading You’re Not Listening changed how you listen? In what way?
2. What was the most surprising thing you learned about listening?
3. Do you think listening is a skill you are born with or one you develop?
4. Who do you have trouble listening to? Why?
5. Who do you enjoy listening to? Why?
6. Do you find some situations or environments more or less conducive to listening than others?
7. Who’s the best/worst listener in your life? What makes that person a good/bad listener?
8. Do you recall a time when you didn’t listen but wish you had?
9. Do you recall a time when you were glad you listened? Like maybe when someone gave you good advice or said something that tipped you off that the speaker was disingenuous?
10. Are there certain topics of conversation that make you more or less likely to listen?
11. When do you think it’s okay to stop listening to someone?